


I Can't

by fangirlingtodeath513



Series: Season 13 Codas [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 13x03 coda, Brief description of a panic attack, Clueless!Sam, Love Confession, M/M, Mentions of a Panic Attack, grieving!dean, jody is a great person, major feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2019-01-25 12:04:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12530924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirlingtodeath513/pseuds/fangirlingtodeath513
Summary: Sam’s eyes are searching his face, and Dean can’t get his breathing under control and he feels like he’s drowning. He grips the table to keep himself upright and screws his eyes shut. All he can hear is his heartbeat in his ears and somewhere in his brain it registers that he’s started trembling. The swallows past the lump in his throat and draws in a shaky breath. He feels the sweat start pooling under his shirt and fuck, he knows what’s happening.





	I Can't

**Author's Note:**

> This is a coda of 13x03 Patience
> 
> I'm actually really proud of this coda and I hope you guys love it. It is very angsty, so if you're not into that, this isn't the coda for you.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!

“He showed you _what_?”

 

A small, rare smile graces Castiel’s face as he leans back against the couch. “Paradise, Dean. I saw it. There was peace between hunters and monsters, the gates of Heaven and Hell were closed. As close to paradise as this world can get.”

 

A frustrated sigh escapes Dean’s lips and he scrubs a hand over his face. “Look, Cas, I know you wanna believe in the kid, but how do you know he didn’t just show you what you want to see? How do you know he’s not just doing whatever he can to ensure he’s got protection once he’s breathing on his own?”

 

Castiel hums and shrugs, the trenchcoat bunching around his shoulders with the action. “I suppose I don’t. I believe he isn’t, though. This child… he could save the world, Dean. He could make it unnecessary for people to lose their families, their childhoods, because of the supernatural. He could make so many people’s lives brighter, even before they themselves know it. I want to believe in him, Dean. I _need_ to.”

 

He searches the angel’s face, nodding when he sees no hint of his stance wavering. “Alright. That’s… Look, Cas, I know you’re desperate for a win, I just… I don’t know if this is it, man. Every time we want something to work out for us, every time we _need_ something to work out for us, it blows up in our faces. I’m… I don’t want to see anyone lose again, Cas. Especially not you.”

 

Castiel’s eyes harden at that, and Dean can see the muscles in his jaw twitch. “Then I won’t.”

 

The angel’s gone before he can get another word in, so he sighs and glances out at the portal in the backyard instead, contemplating their next move.

 

 **·    ·     ·**     ✤    **·     ·     ·**

 

The line’s ringing before he even gets the door to his room closed. He wonders if he should feel ashamed that in his state, Jody is the first person he wants to talk to, rather than his mother. He brushes it off with the rationalization that Jody is the only person he’s told, the only person who _knows_ , aside from him.

 

“Dean? Is everything okay? Why are you calling me at three in the morning?”

 

He tries to say something, _anything,_ but all that comes out is a strangled sob. He collapses on his bed, exhausted down to his bones and _aching_. He manages to get himself together after a few sobs, taking a shaky breath. “S-sorry, I didn’t… I didn’t call you to do that.”

 

Jody, bless her heart, chuckles quietly. “Dean, you don’t ever need to apologize to me for being human. You wanna talk about it?”

 

He swallows and squeezes his eyes shut before nodding to himself. “I… yeah. Please. I don’t… I can’t talk to Sam, he’s preoccupied and… and you’re the only one who knows.”

 

He can practically _see_ Jody’s eyebrows raise. “Oh… Castiel? What happened?”

 

He can feel his throat tightening at the mention of his name. “He… Lucifer.”

 

It takes her a moment, but the meaning of Dean’s words finally dawns on her. “Oh, Dean, he… I’m so sorry. What can I do?”

 

He sniffles softly and rubs his eyes, letting out a sigh. “Nothing, I just… I don’t know. I just needed someone to listen. I just… I mean… You’ve been through this. How… how did you do it? How do you still wake up everyday and keep going? It’s only been three days, but I feel so fucking _lost_.”

 

“I didn’t, for a while. I took a couple weeks off from work afterwards. I laid in bed for a couple days and just broke down. After that, I boxed everything up, donated what I could so some good could come from what happened, and spent the next few weeks just… relaxing. I watched movies I’d always wanted to see, TV shows, anything. I started seeing a therapist a few days before I went back to work. I obviously didn’t tell her that my zombie son ate my husband, but… it’s nice. Having someone listen to you and help you redirect your grief so it doesn’t eat you alive.” She chuckles. “I’m not exactly sure how feasible that is for you, since you and your brother are supposed to be dead or serial killers or something.”

 

Dean manages to crack a smile and nod to himself slowly. “Therapy, huh? You still go?”

 

“Yeah. I see some messed up stuff between this job and the monsters. It helps to have someone to talk to, even if I can’t tell them everything. They can get the basic gist and I don’t feel so alone.” He rubs his face and sighs quietly. “Look, Dean, it’s… It’s not easy. It _hurts_. It’s been seven years and it still feels like there’s something missing. But I don’t feel like I’m drowning in my grief, and I haven’t for a long time. Just… think about it, hm? And I’m always here if you need to talk. Or cry.”

 

He can hear the smile in her voice and it eases the weight of his heart, if only a little. “Yeah, I’ll… I’ll think about it. Thank you, Jody. I’m sorry I woke you.”

 

She smiles softly, humming. “Don’t be, Dean. I’m serious, call me. Any day, any time. And try to get some sleep, okay? Being sleep-deprived isn’t going to help anything.”

 

He smiles weakly at her mothering tone, but agrees nonetheless. “Yeah, alright. Night, Jody.” He hangs up once she returns the sentiment, sniffling quietly to himself and drifting off into a nightmare-filled sleep.

 

 **·    ·     ·**     ✤    **·     ·     ·**

 

“Mom _chose_ to take that shot at Lucifer, that is _not_ on Jack.”

 

“And what about Cas?”

 

“What about Cas?”

 

“He manipulated him. He made him promises, said paradise on Earth. And Cas bought it. And you know what that got him? It got him dead. Now you might be able to forget about that, but I can’t!”

 

“Yeah, Dean, that’s pretty clear.”

 

“Is it, Sam? Really? Cause a few days ago, you told me I’ve been at rock bottom before.” Sam rolls his eyes, and it takes every fiber of Dean’s being not to deck him right then and there.

 

“Yeah, Dean, you have.”

 

“No, Sam, I fucking haven’t.” Sam sighs and runs a hand through his hair.

 

“Fine, enlighten me then. What’s so different this time?”

 

“Cas is dead!”

 

“Cas has been dead before, Dean. Neither of us thought he would come back after the Leviathan.”

 

“We saw his _wings_ , Sam. Angels don’t get much deader than that.”

 

“He was pretty dead after the Leviathan too. What makes this any different, Dean? Why is this affecting you so much?”

 

“I wasn’t in love with him then!” Sam’s eyes widen and Dean can hear his sharp intake of breath over the sound of his own frantic heartbeat in his ears. He can’t believe he just said that, _out loud_ , but it’s too late to take it back now. Sam’s eyes are searching his face, and Dean can’t get his breathing under control and he feels like he’s drowning. He grips the table to keep himself upright and screws his eyes shut. All he can hear is his heartbeat in his ears and somewhere in his brain it registers that he’s started trembling. He swallows past the lump in his throat and draws in a shaky breath. He feels the sweat start pooling under his shirt and _fuck_ , he knows what’s happening. He drops his bag on the floor and collapses into the chair at the end of the table. He drops his head into his hands and focuses on drawing in deep, steadying breaths. He can hear someone, presumably Sam, saying his name over and over, but he can’t look up. He can’t meet anyone’s eyes. Not yet, not after what he just said. So instead, he breathes, and after a few minutes, the trembling stops. The lump in his throat goes away for maybe the first time since… since he lost Cas. He manages a few more steadying breaths before he finds it in himself to meet his brother’s gaze. To his surprise, he finds nothing but concern there.

 

“Dean, what the hell was that? Are you alright?”

 

He nods numbly, flexing his hands absentmindedly. “It’s nothing. I’m fine. I didn’t… I didn’t mean to say that. Jus’ slipped out.”

 

Sam opens his mouth a few times, starting sentences and rejecting them before any of the words pass his lips. He sighs after a moment and kneels in front of Dean’s chair. “We’ll come back to that. First of all, what just happened?”

 

He shakes his head, closing his eyes for a moment. “I’m fine, Sam.”

 

“Bullshit. You’re clearly not fine, Dean. What was that?”

 

“It was a panic attack, okay? I’ve had them since I got back from hell.”

 

“You’ve… You’ve had them since _hell_? Dean, that’s… that was ten years ago, you never thought to mention it before now?”

 

“It’s never been a problem until now. That’s the first one I’ve had in a few years.”

 

Sam sighs exasperatedly, rubbing his face. “Alright, fine. Then let’s go back to the Cas thing. Why didn’t you say something?”

 

Dean rolls his eyes, pushing the chair back and standing, grabbing his bag off the floor. “I couldn’t even tell _him_ , Sam, what makes you think I could tell you?” He hears another intake of breath and glances over at him.

 

“That’s… that’s what you called Jody about, wasn’t it? When we first got back, you called her. Is that why, does she know?”

 

“Yeah.” He sees the flash of hurt on Sam’s face and rubs his own, sighing. “I didn’t… I didn’t tell her on purpose. She guessed it. She asked about him cause Claire talked about him and she just… figured it out, I guess. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.”

 

“So… yeah. Alright. I’m… I’m sorry for what I said at the motel, I didn’t.... I didn’t realize how different this was for you.” Dean nods slightly and watches as a look of realization passes over Sam’s face. “Oh… oh my god, and every time you see Jack he just reminds you of… _oh_. I’m so sorry, I’ll… I’ll deal with it, shit.”

 

Dean sighs, rubbing the back of his head. “See, this is why I don’t tell people shit. You don’t need to treat me with kid gloves, Sam, I’m a big boy. I’ll deal with it. I’m just… I’m gonna need more than a couple weeks. I’ll…” He closes his eyes and takes a steadying breath. “I agree with you. We should be trying to keep Jack on the right path. Cas believed in him, so… so we should too. I just… I need time.”

 

“Yeah, of course. Take as long as you need. I’ve… I got this.”

 

Dean nods once, slinging his bag over his shoulder and walking into the hallway, nearly knocking Jack over in the process. Jack looks at him with wide, earnest eyes that reminds him so damn much of Cas that it _physically_ hurts him. “I’m sorry, Dean. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

 

Dean nods again, clearing his throat quietly. “I know you didn’t. It’s… it’s not your fault. I’m sorry I said it was.”

 

 **·    ·     ·**     ✤    **·     ·     ·**

 

Castiel comes back a exactly a month after his death, and Dean’s too shocked to react. He hadn’t expected Castiel to come back this time. As much as he wants to spend the rest of his life wrapping the angel in his arms and telling him everything he never could, they’ve got a job to do, so that’ll have to wait.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on Tumblr [here(:](https://fangirlingtodeath513.tumblr.com/)
> 
> PLEASE DO NOT POST MY WORKS ANYWHERE BUT HERE OR TUMBLR WITHOUT MY EXPRESS PERMISSION.


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